”Dancing With the Stars”: Class Dismissed

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As LeAnn Rimes sings and Kenny Mayne mocks the entire process, Jane Seymour, the season’s most elegant performer, goes home


SEYMOUR? The viewers had seen enough!

Dancing With the Stars

There are always plenty of reasons to qualify Dancing With the Stars as ”tragic,” but not until season 5 has the term applied quite so literally. Yesterday morning, Marie Osmond found out that her father, George, 90, had passed away. So Marie was absent from last night’s results show — and was the first contestant to be announced as safe from elimination. It was last week’s absentee, Jane Seymour, who got the boot this week.

Dr. Quinn-tessentially Elegant (do I sound as lame as Len?) took the news rather graciously; it seemed she pretty much expected to go home. Her arc on the show was certainly all over the map — from starting out strong, to losing her mom, to foot-painting with Tony, to developing a near-labor-inducing case of food poisoning, to complaining about both the unfair ”lift” regulations and (gasp!) the other contestants. But all that’s behind us now, and Jane will most likely go down in DWTS history as the elegant/classy/regal/poised/blah blah blah contestant who Bruno Tonioli once compared to Edyta.

Tom and Samantha darted nervously around the idea that the two couples along with Jane as the ”final three” were not necessarily members of the dreaded ”bottom two.” Speculate as you wish, but I’m guessing that Marie might have landed second to last and the show — rightly so — just didn’t want to go there last night. Makes sense, and even though messing with Jennie-Derek’s and Helio-Julianne’s heads could qualify as brutal, watching them squirm as they waited for Tom to strike his weekly blow was somewhat intriguing. Or anticlimactic and pointless. You make the call. (Get on the horn!)

Back by popular demand, Kenny Mayne’s ”Dancecenter” segment saved the otherwise drowsy results show. If you don’t remember or haven’t seen Mayne’s ill-fated foray into dance, watch it now and marvel at just how far he’s come in his willingness to associate with anything involving a ballroom setting. With caked-on bronzer that stopped abruptly at the chin, shimmery green eye shadow, and a rhinestone-studded purple blouse, he’s now as synonymous with DWTS as the kaleidoscopic ”Is this an acid trip or a TV show?” opening credits.

Along with a flamboyantly outfitted Jerry Rice and the ever-crotchety DANCMSTR, Mayne ripped heavily on basically everything during his rundown of the six remaining stars. Helio’s smile clocked in at 42 inches wide, which, Mayne admitted, ”weirds me out.” He then called Jane Seymour ”75 to 80 years old,” prompting Rice to point out ”you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Yes, that seemed mean, but then suddenly the animated white pen was circling multiple examples of the bizarre scrunch thing Jennie does with her mouth, and you realized Mayne’s an equal-opportunity insulter just putting in a day’s work. And his words do ring true: His throwaway ”There are some weird people on this show” is probably the understatement of the 21st century.

During the rare moments when he could get in a word edgewise against Mayne, who kept hilariously shutting him down, DANCMSTR did offer some clues as to which couples the judges want to stick around. He gave Helio a 50-50 chance of winning the whole competition, then later dismissed Cameron with a vague ”Good is not good enough.” (This came right after Len used the nonexistent word ”pectorials.”) DANCMSTR seemed equally psyched about Jennie’s confidence issues (the producers love a good personal-growth arc) and Mel B.’s versatility.

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